llnl's Blog

Someone poised a good question today " Have you ever said something that embarrassed after you've had time to think about it?" Well I shared a story that I hope people will find the humor but I still feel embarrassed recallling it... I'm going to share a funny story my mom told me about my dad. 

My parents were on a double date and decided to stop at a gas station to pick up some snacks. My mother grab candy but my dad and his friend both went with almonds. My dad studied the package as his friend walked to the cash register on the other side of the store. My dad finally found the expiration date and yelled a urgent warning to his friend..."Larry check you nuts!!!" My mom and her girlfriend howled with laughter as my dad realized that the warning could have been worded better.

Life is so hard but it is so good. I love my husband and my family but I realize that I'm still missing something...friends. I use to be the girl with 10+ best friends and 100+ people I considered my good friends. Now I find myself wondering if a have any friends that are not related to me...

In my early twenties I become heavily involved with church and the members became my friends and a second family to me. I mean I went to school with, lived with, worked with my church folks so we were tight. It was sad to see some move away but even sadder to see my friends get fed up with church politics and leave our church family...it usually meant that they were leaving me too; the pattern was undeniable, once people left church it was difficult to maintain a relationship. I made a vow in my heart that I would never leave my church home. Still I hoped to keep all of my dear friends close.

About 5 years ago I feel in love with and started dating my husband. Long story short he had not been a fan of my church because he felt that some people were insincere or highly judgmental. I understood were he was coming from and did not ask him to attend. However I did not get the support that I wanted from my dear friends; that was no surprise because "dating outside of the church" was frowned on. I felt stuck in the middle and had already noticed that attending service had now become a heavy burden. Slowly but surely I stopped attending church, but leaving it behind meant leaving my closet friends.

It was great in the beginning, there was a sense of freedom and peace. It felt great to be with some one that did not try to enforce rules and regulations. That when I started to question some of my religious rules and renewed my commitment to God. I think that this afforded me the opportunity to grow in maturity and in loneliness.  My relationship with my soon to be husband was passionate, exciting and encouraging so it did not make sense but as things progressed I began to recognize the problem. I came to him for all my social needs and he did his best to oblige but I could see that it was a strain on him...

...You don't know what you've got till its gone. In the past I had a lot of good friends but I never though that relationships were a necessity. Independence was the only thing that you could count on so enjoy your friends but be prepared to lose them, or so I thought. I need people in my life, but for the last few years I've avoid rejection I knew that seeking out people who did not agree with my life choices was not going to be easy so I did the next best things. I phoned a family member. When I needed to vent, worry, get advice or have fun I'd call my family and think of them like my friends...They, however did not do the same. When I vented they corrected me. When I worried they become worried and demanded that I heed their advice. When I sought advice it seemed as if they lost respect for me. When I had fun with them they judged me as silly and immature...

Mind you this is coming from a overly sensitive girl who reads a lot in the words and action of others. Long story short my family LOVES ME! I know this but sometimes I want something from them that they can't give. It is unfair of me to except my 50 year old mother to be excited that I decide to elope with only a 3 day notice. There are things that your peers can bring to the table that your husband and family can't give you. Be grateful for what you get and if you nee more take responsibility to find it.

So I've finally decided to join Facebook in the hopes of rekindling some friendships. A week into it I've found that it is working marvelously. Even  helping me to deal with some issues that need closer.

 I'm great at apologies, at least I think so. I'm a pretty humble girl... yeah I know that's ironic, but it is my only claim to fame. My guilty conscience makes me so sensitive to my faults, weakness, or selfish moments that I am usually quick to apologize.

Lately I've noticed I don't receive that many apologies. I try to be very forgiving and I think that people don't realize that their actions have hurt me. Lately I have started to feel like my relationships lacked a mutual respect and I've felt tired, sad, lonely or feed up.

I wanted my husband to realize that I need him to give me some space to disagree and set boundaries in our relationship. Unfortunately my new communication style was a two hour vent feast in which I pointed out how he's hurt me in the past. Usually he gets upset and we stop talking but this time he let me say what was on my mind.

When I was finished he was a little upset and distant but he still held my hand and made sure that I slept by his side. I was comforted by his reaction but my mind was racing and I was unable to sleep so I came downstairs at 3am. The next morning he came down stairs and gave me a heartfelt apology for being insensitive to my needs... An apology...I was just happy he was talking to me.

That day he kissed me and told me he loved me all day. That day my mind had so much peace and clarity that I was able to work on my business plan with energy and creativity. It also helped me to be more flexible when he asked me to do things out of my comfort zone.

And if that wasn't enough my mom called me and apologized for not being supportive. I have always loved and adored my mom but sometimes wish that things were diffrent between us. She assured me that she was proud of me and that she just wants the best for me. My mother has never apologized to me before; immediately I felt a release of shame, frustration and resentment.  That moment I felt closer to my mom than ever before and looked forward to opening up to her about my whole life. Now that I know that she will not think less of me I want to share my whole life. I want to show her that I love her and respect her opinion. I want her to know that I will be okay whatever comes my way.

On top of that my mother got a positive message from the doctor. Hope never disappoints!!!

 My mom called me to tell me the news yersterday... the test was positive for cancer. She was so hopeful though and for some reason I am too. I can't imagine my mother ever getting really sick, can't imagine her leaving me. The doctor told her that it is the slow growing kind and that we caught it early on so thiings look good for her.

She asked me to take her to her next appt. This will be a test tell us if the cancer or if it was all removed.  I truly believe that she is fine and will be, but I don't want over-confidence to leave me unprepared for disappointing possibilties. 

I thought it would be cool to create a bible study experience on EP. I am not sure the best way to go about it but I just started a group titled I study the book of Hebrews:  

http://www.experienceproject.com/group_pr...

 

If you are interested please join the group and we can study Hebrews together.

 

Love, Lust and Life is a my personal memoir and journal in which I share all parts of my life. On LL&L, nothing is off limits or considered taboo. When people constantly try to keep their feelings and thoughts inside, the effects can be tragic: depression, addiction, insanity or suicide. Everyone needs to be able to express their whole selves without self-censorship.


Love, Lust and Life is a blog that I started in August 2008 on Wordpress. At the time, I felt really frustrated with my life and most of my relationships. I used to be an open person, able to talk about most things with most people. I found myself not investing my heart in most of my friendships because I no longer felt respected; later, I stopped opening up to my family because of a perceived lack of acceptance and support. Eventually, I made a conscious effort to not talk to anyone about anything that would leave me feeling vulnerable or criticized. This left me feeling lonely and disconnected.


The initial purpose of the blog was to share the things I have learned in my life with whoever was interested. As I started to write, I discovered that I had things that I needed to share and get off of my chest first; I will use this blog as an opportunity to heal some hurts that are holding me back in life. I decided to have themed days so that I can make sure that I keep the blog balanced and to make it easy to find topics that interest you:

• Spiritual Sundays: scriptures, relationship w/ God, moral and ethics.
  


• Mental Mondays: mindful awarness and mental health
  


• Talented Tuesdays: culture, hobbies and entertainment
  


• Wellness Wednesdays: health, exercise, recipes, and confidence
  


• Taking Care of Business (TCB) Thursdays: blogging, goal achievement, finance, career and education.
  


• Freaky Fridays: hot topics, scary or traumatic events and sexual experiences
  


• Saturday Love: relationships with friends, family and marriage
  

I hope this sounds interesting and encouraging. And I'm not too proud to beg: please leave comments. I really want to know what is interesting, relatable, boring, or poorly written. If you want to share advice or recieve advice, let me know that as well.